Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Ok, I know its been a while but there have been new developments that need to be adressed here and now. For any of you people reading this thing I suggest that if you don't want to read explicit things that you just move on to some other thing on the web.
Now that the warning has been issued I have to rant a little. Ok, I have a new bf, right? Perfect kinda guy, 'cept a few things. He's a sub masochist. That's one. I'll rant about this for a bit. I can handle, personally, the whole "You beat me hard, now." kinda thing, but I can't stand it all the damn time. Yeah I can have fun once in a while, but at heart I want to be tied down and pleased as well. Concept hasn't really sunken through on the other end though. I suppose that is my fault too, but you would think the hint, "I can't believe you don't want to tie me down." wouldn't get the message through. But guess not.
Another thing, today he made me very agitated. I was looking around at this sub/dom site right? Well I came across the concept of using a collar for claiming and such. What was on the site was absolutly beautiful. So I tell him about it right, and he's like "Yeah, so what?", or at least that was my impression. And then he goes into this thing about how his roomie has something like that, and of course I had no idea, but of course he made it sound like I should have known. Only later he said that he thought I knew. Yeah, right, whatever, I know everything in the world. This is a pet peeve of mine, when I don't know something don't act like I do, or if you don't know don't act like I should. Gets on my nerves real bad and makes me wanna toss things.
Another thing. He has been in to sub/dom for like forever according to him. And he assumes that I know everything about it. This is kinda like the rant above I admit, but I don't come from the sub/dom world. I like it sweet, maybe not all the time but it is nice sometimes. And I have never really looked into anything like that. Sure I've thought of different ways to cause pain but I never went geek on the web looking for the best way to do it.
And yet another thing that comes to mind. Him and his roomie. Ok, I admit I was like the rest of the world thinking that he was a little womanish, maybe even faerie like (not like it really bothered me either way). But some of the comments that are made sometimes makes me wonder so much that it nearly pops out of my mouth to ask. But, hey, why should I persecute someone because they are not exactly my sexual orientation type. Doesn't matter to me, I've had several friends that have been a little over the edge. But I'm possive like a mofo and want to know. I actually think that you are reading this right now, you know who you are.
But I mean I lay in bed at night and sometimes I get this real big teary feeling that I won't ever be what all he wants because sometimes I just feel like I'm ripping off my own skin to take on new perspectives and hobbies, and sexual prowess that isn't really mine. I'm not exactly saying that it is all the time, but sometimes I just feel so....like a let down because I don't know what he likes and how it should be done. How a knot is tied so that you don't get free, and shit like that. I feel bad, but I'm not going to look it up because I don't want to. Its not like I don't wanna look at these things, you might be surprised what I have seen and done in my life, but I guess I just don't want to learn because I don't know how long this is gonna last and I don't want to be stuck in a rut and make another person become what they don't wanna be because it is the only way that I can get pleasure.
Strange thoughts for an even stranger mind. I don't know what to do anymore. I want it to last forever, but I'm afraid to hope because all my relationships that I thought should last forever went down the tubes after like a month to four months. I don't want it to happen, but I'm afraid to hope. I think that I'll stop typing and ranting and crying now. I think that I just need to go to bed and then get up and go to class in the morning and try to push it out of my mind for the umpteenth time.
Night.
Now that the warning has been issued I have to rant a little. Ok, I have a new bf, right? Perfect kinda guy, 'cept a few things. He's a sub masochist. That's one. I'll rant about this for a bit. I can handle, personally, the whole "You beat me hard, now." kinda thing, but I can't stand it all the damn time. Yeah I can have fun once in a while, but at heart I want to be tied down and pleased as well. Concept hasn't really sunken through on the other end though. I suppose that is my fault too, but you would think the hint, "I can't believe you don't want to tie me down." wouldn't get the message through. But guess not.
Another thing, today he made me very agitated. I was looking around at this sub/dom site right? Well I came across the concept of using a collar for claiming and such. What was on the site was absolutly beautiful. So I tell him about it right, and he's like "Yeah, so what?", or at least that was my impression. And then he goes into this thing about how his roomie has something like that, and of course I had no idea, but of course he made it sound like I should have known. Only later he said that he thought I knew. Yeah, right, whatever, I know everything in the world. This is a pet peeve of mine, when I don't know something don't act like I do, or if you don't know don't act like I should. Gets on my nerves real bad and makes me wanna toss things.
Another thing. He has been in to sub/dom for like forever according to him. And he assumes that I know everything about it. This is kinda like the rant above I admit, but I don't come from the sub/dom world. I like it sweet, maybe not all the time but it is nice sometimes. And I have never really looked into anything like that. Sure I've thought of different ways to cause pain but I never went geek on the web looking for the best way to do it.
And yet another thing that comes to mind. Him and his roomie. Ok, I admit I was like the rest of the world thinking that he was a little womanish, maybe even faerie like (not like it really bothered me either way). But some of the comments that are made sometimes makes me wonder so much that it nearly pops out of my mouth to ask. But, hey, why should I persecute someone because they are not exactly my sexual orientation type. Doesn't matter to me, I've had several friends that have been a little over the edge. But I'm possive like a mofo and want to know. I actually think that you are reading this right now, you know who you are.
But I mean I lay in bed at night and sometimes I get this real big teary feeling that I won't ever be what all he wants because sometimes I just feel like I'm ripping off my own skin to take on new perspectives and hobbies, and sexual prowess that isn't really mine. I'm not exactly saying that it is all the time, but sometimes I just feel so....like a let down because I don't know what he likes and how it should be done. How a knot is tied so that you don't get free, and shit like that. I feel bad, but I'm not going to look it up because I don't want to. Its not like I don't wanna look at these things, you might be surprised what I have seen and done in my life, but I guess I just don't want to learn because I don't know how long this is gonna last and I don't want to be stuck in a rut and make another person become what they don't wanna be because it is the only way that I can get pleasure.
Strange thoughts for an even stranger mind. I don't know what to do anymore. I want it to last forever, but I'm afraid to hope because all my relationships that I thought should last forever went down the tubes after like a month to four months. I don't want it to happen, but I'm afraid to hope. I think that I'll stop typing and ranting and crying now. I think that I just need to go to bed and then get up and go to class in the morning and try to push it out of my mind for the umpteenth time.
Night.
