Berkano

Ok, I know its been a while but there have been new developments that need to be adressed here and now. For any of you people reading this thing I suggest that if you don't want to read explicit things that you just move on to some other thing on the web.

Now that the warning has been issued I have to rant a little. Ok, I have a new bf, right? Perfect kinda guy, 'cept a few things. He's a sub masochist. That's one. I'll rant about this for a bit. I can handle, personally, the whole "You beat me hard, now." kinda thing, but I can't stand it all the damn time. Yeah I can have fun once in a while, but at heart I want to be tied down and pleased as well. Concept hasn't really sunken through on the other end though. I suppose that is my fault too, but you would think the hint, "I can't believe you don't want to tie me down." wouldn't get the message through. But guess not.

Another thing, today he made me very agitated. I was looking around at this sub/dom site right? Well I came across the concept of using a collar for claiming and such. What was on the site was absolutly beautiful. So I tell him about it right, and he's like "Yeah, so what?", or at least that was my impression. And then he goes into this thing about how his roomie has something like that, and of course I had no idea, but of course he made it sound like I should have known. Only later he said that he thought I knew. Yeah, right, whatever, I know everything in the world. This is a pet peeve of mine, when I don't know something don't act like I do, or if you don't know don't act like I should. Gets on my nerves real bad and makes me wanna toss things.

Another thing. He has been in to sub/dom for like forever according to him. And he assumes that I know everything about it. This is kinda like the rant above I admit, but I don't come from the sub/dom world. I like it sweet, maybe not all the time but it is nice sometimes. And I have never really looked into anything like that. Sure I've thought of different ways to cause pain but I never went geek on the web looking for the best way to do it.

And yet another thing that comes to mind. Him and his roomie. Ok, I admit I was like the rest of the world thinking that he was a little womanish, maybe even faerie like (not like it really bothered me either way). But some of the comments that are made sometimes makes me wonder so much that it nearly pops out of my mouth to ask. But, hey, why should I persecute someone because they are not exactly my sexual orientation type. Doesn't matter to me, I've had several friends that have been a little over the edge. But I'm possive like a mofo and want to know. I actually think that you are reading this right now, you know who you are.

But I mean I lay in bed at night and sometimes I get this real big teary feeling that I won't ever be what all he wants because sometimes I just feel like I'm ripping off my own skin to take on new perspectives and hobbies, and sexual prowess that isn't really mine. I'm not exactly saying that it is all the time, but sometimes I just feel so....like a let down because I don't know what he likes and how it should be done. How a knot is tied so that you don't get free, and shit like that. I feel bad, but I'm not going to look it up because I don't want to. Its not like I don't wanna look at these things, you might be surprised what I have seen and done in my life, but I guess I just don't want to learn because I don't know how long this is gonna last and I don't want to be stuck in a rut and make another person become what they don't wanna be because it is the only way that I can get pleasure.

Strange thoughts for an even stranger mind. I don't know what to do anymore. I want it to last forever, but I'm afraid to hope because all my relationships that I thought should last forever went down the tubes after like a month to four months. I don't want it to happen, but I'm afraid to hope. I think that I'll stop typing and ranting and crying now. I think that I just need to go to bed and then get up and go to class in the morning and try to push it out of my mind for the umpteenth time.

Night.

Another long span. Oh well. Can't march anymore. Not much else happening. That is all.

Woah....long time since I last posted. I think that I need to get better at this. But of course lately its been kinda touch and go. Lots to do and little time that I'm not tired to do stuff in. Oh so tired....I wanna sleep a long time but I have to go to my grandma's tomorrow. Almost imparative since I haver like 3 loads of laundry to do.

Well it was awesome on Hazel Day. Local fair, nothing big or anything. But the local new age shop (which I love now btw) was selling stuff and we got to beat on drums, it was awesome. Found and awesome wolf tin for you Chib's but it had a knife in it that wasn't that great, so I didn't buy it, but it was only 5 bucks so I coulda. Oh well.

I was kidnapped (not really) and I would have stayed in Hazel had not my parents decided to come when my mom almost said they couldn't make it last night. Oh well to that too. It would have been awesome to have stayed but I'm glad that my parents came. I love 'em and they haven't seen all the work I've put into the band so they did today. And I got to see my dog. She's one of the things that I miss most, even her crawling in the bed with me (which was annoying) but I miss it. I wanted to bring her back here with me, but I bet they would have found me out. Would have been worth it though.

Well since I am about to crash I think that I may end my IM conversations and just lay downand go to sleep. Night guys, have a great Sunday.

Oh Wiccan Chicken
How do I love thee
Let me count the ways

One: you are so sweet
Two: you're my favorite kind of meat
Three: you're laced with Belladonna
Four: I could eat you for a week, if I really wanna
Five: you aren't alive
Six: I can cook you on a stick
Seven: you can't go to Heaven
Eight: you can't disapperate
Nine: you are all mine
Ten: I think I'll do this again!
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Again I will state that I am sad and I can't write. But, damn, that was funny shit. Gotta love Wiccan Chicken, so all of you's guys have to come to the Grand Opening when I actually open the shop up to the public.

Things swam before my vision. Things swam in blood. Blood of the innocents. Blood, the lifegiver, spilled for no reason but to sate the hunger in my soul. The hunger that will last lifetimes. Never ceasing until the world ends. And even then I will feed. The dying always see my face and feel my fleashless hands grip their bodies in sweet, gentle assurance. But they know no peace. They feel me drink from their bodies as they slip away into the forboding darkness. Nothing lies beyond the darkness. I know because I was there once. Then cruely ripped away to come back and wallow in the blood. The blood of the innocents. To swim in the blood. To loose myself once more to the emptiness of another life taken. Ah. It is a sweet irony. I feel nothing but the hunger, but no longer hunger for the feelings. I've been too long gone to care anymore.

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I woke up yesterday
to only find your ghost.
I lay awake in bed all day
wishing you beside me.
When did you leave this morning?
Was I fast asleep?
Did you leave a kiss on my pillow
before you walked away?
Was I only dreaming?
Were you really there?
Or was it your ghost following me
through all those days?
When did you leave this evening?
Was I dreaming on the couch?
Was the movie finally over?
It's credits on the sceen.
Why did you leave me this afternoon?
It was so bright and clear,
was it something I said?
Or did?
Maybe.
Was it something I needed to say?
Perhaps.
But why leave me here this year
with only a ghost for company.
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Just thought I would post something today, this is the last stuff I'm gonna post from my old blog. Soon it will be nothing but dust in the wind.

Later.

Ok, well since my coffee part'ner is gonna be on fall break soon, maybe I can spend some time with her. As in I go home, kidnap her, and bring her back to this crappy place. Who knows, maybe she will be able to go to a ritual, if they have one... I don't know sometimes I get confused. It happens often.

The set date for the Halloween show is Nov. 1st. Go figure. *shrug* But I'm all ready to go, and I have the Witches Ball then too so it shall be much happiness and dark places. I have yet to see Underworld. Someone, anyone, come take me to see it!!! I need tooooooo!!!

Well I suppose I could go by myself....but what is the fun in that? Here's a tip for someone I know. Come to me on the 10th...please!!!!!!!!! I have a day for fall break because of band so meh. Please, please, please beg to come. You know who you are.

That is all.

Well well well, what do you know, I think that I'll drag you out there this summer Chibi, while I'm not in BAND CAMP, ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! But moving on, this will be a short post, just to let you know I've gotten used to the walking and I will buff up and we'll hike, and I'll fall in the river...it'll be good times.

Get up the money, it's a date!!!